Surrender

It was the second week of January and I STILL hadn’t settled on a word of resolution for 2016.  After much deliberation,I finally decided that “Joy” should be my word because frustration had been my go-to emotion for awhile.  While it’s perfectly normal to feel frustrated from time to time,  this was my default.  Fun, right?  I thought that “Joy” was definitely fitting and the perfect word for me to study and meditate on.  I wasn’t too joyful about it though. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  Sometime during praise and worship the word “surrender” came to me.  I chastised myself internally for not being focused on God while we were at church (what was for lunch today?) and forced myself to focus.  I raised one hand to, you know, surrender, and I forced myself to focus on worshipping. 

Later, at the gym, I had all but forgotten the minor “incident” until I got a text from a friend that reminded her of me.  It was about ways to overcome writer’s block and it talked about getting up early to make time for God to speak.  Right.  Yeah.  Not happening.  I’m tired.  I’m not getting up early for THAT.  No.  Just no.  I know this is where God rolled his eyes at me.  I must be so much fun to “parent”.  He whispered that word again. “Surrender.”  Of course that was just coincidence.  What could God possibly want me to surrender?  Whatever it was, I wasn’t into it.  I just didn’t like the feeling of that word. “Surrender.”  No thanks.  Maybe some other time.  Great chat.  Bye. 

As I reflected on my way home from picking up a few groceries, there was that word again.  Surrender.  I sighed out loud.  Not gonna happen. Who wants to give up things?  I’ve been living a perfectly “good” life.  We already drive 35 minutes to and from church twice a week.  And we have been nicer to each other.  Also, I already purged my closet.  Wasn’t that enough?  Then I heard “Surrender time.”  And no, not like Hammer Time (can’t touch this), but like “Surrender your time.”  Of course I was ready and willing to do all THAT.  NO!  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  Time is the one thing that I just never have enough of.  I’m busy.  And when I’m not busy, I’m busy being not busy and I LIKE THAT.  I know God has been asking me to write but when I sit down to write, nothing comes. The chapter my friend shared comes back to me.  Get up early to write.  Yeah.  That sounds great.  I’m going to be busy doing NOT THAT.  At this point I knew what I needed to do, but I still wasn’t willing. 

I stewed over this a for awhile on the way to Ladies Fellowship last night, grudgingly.  I wanted to be home in my PJ’s, busy doing my thang (To clarify, my “thang” means sitting in PJ’s listening to the TV, perhaps taking a bath.  This usually involves coffee and social media with the occasional book thrown in).  I was not too excited about going anywhere because PANTS, but I’ve been trying to be more intentional with friendships and I wasn’t going to make friends from my chair in my PJ’s.  I mean, yes, someone might knock on the door, but chances are, anyone who knocks on your door after 7 on a Sunday night is probably pretty sketchy anyway. 

So the theme for Ladies Fellowship was, “Let it Go.”  Yes, pretty much like the song.  Hilarious.  That’s kind of what “surrender” means.  These coincidences were just too funny!  Haha God.  You are such a riot!  Clearly still not planning to wake from my slumber for anyone at 4:30 am, I shrugged it off again.  In the interest of being an oversharer, I shared all of these funny coincidences of the day with the whole table at Ladies Fellowship.  We snickered together at my tendency to balk like a stubborn mule and moved on to more important things, like dinner. 

The main speaker from the night got up to share her wisdom on letting things go that hold us back.  Since I don’t have anything holding me back, I thought I could half listen and half think about those PJ’s and coffee I had abandoned at home, but then, about 30 seconds in, she said it.  OUT LOUD.  “Surrender”.  My tablemates looked at me all wide eyed.  I smiled.  Isn’t God funny?  And somewhat obnoxious!? I mean, really.  I already said I wasn’t going to do it.  Not your girl.  Find someone else.  End of story.  A few seconds later, she said it again, “Surrender.”  I wasn’t smiling anymore.  In fact, I  was looking for the exit!  Unfortunately, I was at a table at the FRONT of the room.  I started tallying.  14.  If you’re wondering how stubborn I am, I had to hear that word, “Surrender,” spoken out loud by someone who did not know me or know she was talking to me 14 times before my spirit softened a bit.  At this point, I had decided not only that getting up early was what I NEEDED to do, but also what I SHOULD do.  But that didn’t mean that’s what I was GOING to do. 

After a bit of coercing encouragement from my table mates, I decided I would TRY to get up early.  You know, leaving myself an out in case that didn’t work out for me.  Of course I didn’t actually plan for it to work out for me.  LOL!  Who gets up at 4:30 to write?  Probably not me, but I would TRY (wink, wink).  

Somewhere on the drive home, I thought, “Who better than to do that crazy thing but me?” Easy peasy, right? Set the alarm.  Get up.  Do your thang (not the lazy evening thang, The other, read and study and write thang).

  

So here I sit at 4:30 a.m., coffee in hand, surrounded by my notes and my bible, wondering, “Ok, what’s next?”   I’m sure that whatever it is, I will be ready and willing to tackle it without any balking or second or third (or 14th) thoughts.  Here I am.  I showed up.  And that’s the first step.

Oh, and that whole “One Word” thing where I chose “Joy”?  I’m still choosing joy, but I’m pretty sure I’ll find it in surrender.

  

Love,

Cassandra