Brave-ish

Can I tell you something? I’m scared. We are nearing the end of the certification process to become foster parents and I am not anywhere near confident that I can do this. I just keep thinking, “This is crazy. It doesn’t make sense. This is going to be hard and my life is about to change drastically.” Sometimes I cry because I’m about to do this thing God has asked me to do and I already know it’s going to change my world. I know all about how necessary and needed it is and I know how God wants us to care for orphans and “feed his sheep,” but that doesn’t make me truly FEEL better or any more qualified. It just doesn’t.

There is a very large part of me that would like to pretend that this hadn’t ever happened, that what God called me to do seemed an easy task for me. This? This is daunting. It’s impossible. Maybe even reckless. I can’t reconcile it in my mind. It makes no logical sense. I am not the person best equipped or remotely near-equipped to help hurting kids. I keep asking God if I can do something else. Anything else. He says, “Absolutely! Volunteer with the local organization. That would be wonderful. But I still need you to do that other thing too.”

And it makes me cry. I’m crying right now as I realize that I cannot reach the full potential of what God has for me if I’m not willing to do every. Single. Thing. He has put before me. Yes. Every. One.

But that doesn’t make me any less scared. I blog on the premise of being brave and bold, but readers, I’m neither of those things right now. I know all of the cliches, “God doesn’t ask you to do more than you are able,” which is not true, by the way. If I were able to do it without him, I wouldn’t need him. He absolutely asks us to do more than we are able! And my least favorite, “If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it”. These contrite sayings, though well intentioned, don’t lend me any comfort. They don’t make me feel bold or brave, they just leave me feeling like a failing Christian whose faith isn’t strong enough to hold back fear.

So what do you do when you know the next step but you are hesitant to take it? You remember that you are not in charge of outcomes, that’s God’s territory, but you are definitely responsible for obedience.

I’m going to be bold here and say that bravery doesn’t necessarily feel strong and doubtless and like wearing a cape. Brave sometimes means saying, “Yes,” while trembling inside with tears streaming down your cheeks. It’s crying out, “I don’t see how this will work, but I will do it.” It’s asking God, “This? Are you sure? You know this is crazy right?” and then taking action. Sometimes the actions are small like writing a blog post admitting to the world that you are trying to squirm your way out of your next thing. That you have been trying to bargain with God and it’s not going so well. It might sound like asking God if he is sure, but knowing that he doesn’t make mistakes. It’s this process, repeated, until you finally decide to just say yes and move forward and let God be God in all the details.

Dear reader, I am moving forward. I have been standing here, waiting to be ready to run long enough. I’m not ready, but I’m willing. I am brave-ish. I may forget this tomorrow, but that’s ok. God will assure me again, as many times as I need him to. Let’s spur each other toward the edges of our comfort zone. Ask yourself today what thing you’ve been avoiding? What is your next “Yes” supposed to be? Let’s lock our shaky arms together and do the next right thing. For me, that’s taking the next foster parent certification class and getting back to my morning quiet time. What’s your next right thing? Take a deep breath and just say YES, then leave the logistics to God… it turns out he’s a pretty capable planner.