You know that thing that you SHOULD be doing in your life? That thing that just won’t seem to go away? That thing you avoid because you might do it wrong? For me, one of those things is prayer. I know, I know… as long as I’m doing it at all, I’m not doing it wrong, but I have this need to be perfect and do all the right things all the time. Prayer feels a little weird. Outside my comfort zone. And I like my comfort zone. Really, REALLY like my comfort zone. It’s comfortable here!
I feel like I would never actually approach God IRL (in real life). I would be like a God Facebook stalker, liking every single photo and status, but never actually forcing myself to stand out from the crowd… Which is CRAZY because I LOVE to stand out in general. I’ll speak up in meetings and I’ll do almost anything for a prize. If you give me a free book, I’ll stand up and talk in front of 500 people. And that’s not an exaggeration because I did just that a few weeks ago!
Then why, when it comes to God, do I feel like I have to dampen my personality? Why does reverence have to be somber? If I saw someone I revered in public (*cough* *Jen Hatmaker* *cough*), I would TOTALLY approach her and gush praises all over the place. I wouldn’t stop talking for a second. I’d smile and laugh and make fun of my crazy self.
But God? No. Serious Cassandra comes out. Who even likes her? Not me! I go all driver’s license photo/mug shot serious. I start fumbling for words and second guessing myself because my words aren’t formal enough. I panic. I haven’t read the King James Version of my bible in awhile ever! My “thee, thine and thou” game is WEAK. And don’t even get me started on the -eth words. Goeth? No. I just can’t. I should probably not speak at all. What if I offend God? WHAT IF I OFFEND GOD?!?
Oh the horror!
But the truth is, if God was looking to be offended, he wouldn’t have to look too far. I’m here all day every day saying All The Things and I promise you, try as I might, I am not blameless! And can we just be thankful for God’s grace right here for a second? Seriously!
If you’ve been reading my blog lately, you already know that my go-to strategy for overcoming hard things is to avoid them. I just pretend these hard things don’t exist and avoid at all costs. I can’t say that it has solved any problem for me so far, but remember also that I am just a teeny bit stubborn, so now I’m avoiding NOT avoiding hard things in my life. I like to call it the double avoidance tactic. Yes, I did just make that up.
I’m pretty sure the double avoidance tactic is not a great strategy for prayer. But back to the above, the KJV of Cassandra IS NOT A THING, so I always think I will, “Do it wrong.” It’s not like God doesn’t know me and see everything. But I think that if I start praying, it’s going to be pretty obvious that I don’t know my stuff and then God will be like, “Whoa, who let this girl in?” Part of me knows that it’s okay to be who I am, but then there’s still that other part that longs to just be quiet and hide in the back so that no one realizes I’m in the wrong place. (“She doesn’t even go here!”)
Eventually I relent and google some scripture on prayer. Here is one that struck me:
Did you catch that? ALL who call on him! Not “all who use correct grammar” or “if they say the right thing the right way” but ALL who call on him. ALL! That’s me! (And you!)
And I doubt it’s any shock to God that I am a bit sarcastic, somewhat dramatic and I have a LOT of questions. He can handle it! All of it! I remind myself of this often. “God can handle me.” I mean, he’s definitely got his work cut out for him, but he IS God, so I will continue to approach him in prayer just like I am and let him handle it! And he’s big enough to handle all of you, too! What are you waiting for? Take that first step. Just as you are!
Sufficiently Insufficient 